</head>

November 10, 2009

Today I had chinese O level. Was easy for paper 1. But I doubt I will score very well for paper 2. It been 3 days since I do the thing my friend hated. 4 days more to go till the promise is over. This week is only just for testing me.


It been 2 days since my last post. I remember at evening 7 something, you started to text me again. You asked me about prom things. Actually I did not want to reply you. Pardon me. I just don't want to go into the shit again. But, I still decided to reply you back at last. My urge and desire still got the better over me. Hais. It's not any chance. It's just an imaginary image.


After that I told you many things, about my troubles. Thanks for replying me trying to cheer me up. I knew that your smses can brighten up my day, but I just do not want to fall into the shit again. the next day morning, you sms me again to continue cheering me up. You may thought you have succeed, but it was halfway when I told you that I do not want to mention about the biggest factor that make me so upset.


Before I even said about the biggest trouble, you are still very willing in counselling me. You thought that I might have depression. I don't know. You called me to go for a shrink, but I won't. Because I knew it would be useless. After I told you that I do not want to mention about the biggest factor that makes me today, you do not want to reply anymore. You sure know what it is. Don't you. And the real remedy that could stop my pain is just the main female character in the biggest trouble. The girl that I could willingly wait forever. But, I don't know if I could continue waiting. My tired body is crushing. I have no much energy to prevent it. I wish you could be by my side.


Birthday wish are only for children. Know why I said that. Because I wished for you. But It never happened. I wish for your love, your accompany, your hand. I wish for you. But it never happened. The god is also prejudicing against me, they knew I love you. But they do not grant me your love. Not only didn't they grant me your love, they tortured me with every thoughts of you. They knew that it was impossible for you to love me again. But they still wanted this storyline that inflicts so much pain in me. Why am I the only one suffering pain in this story. Am I just a chess to make the storyline continue? Am I?


From young, after many movies and movies, I often wished for myself to be vampire. I thought that it was cool. But after the heartwreaking pain that I suffered in this world, I felt that I rather die then be a vampire now. Dying will reduce the pain then leaving in this world centuries and centuries still remembering the only you.


Yesterday, I again have a dream about you. In the dream we are again so cheerful than even. It was just like the scene when I first met you in secondary three. Everyday I brought laughter into secondary 3b. My happiness is like non-stop and I can seriously say that the first sight of you made me fall in love with you.


But because of some reason, I do not want to ask you, So I decided to forget. But after so long, I did not forget but love you more. When the reason I do not want to ask you was gone, I decided to try out my luck. But till now, I was already rejected 4-5 times. Imagine the pain when I have to ask you to jia you with your stead from last year to now. Why the gods are so cruel to me, from a so happy guy, I must be torture into this state. Hais.


Today, we have some text again. Just stop I shall said. Well I doubt we will be smsing later on. Shit, I think I had dropped into the shit hole again. Or is it that I have never left the hole before.


I am a ugly freak, I am really a ugly freak. A ugly toad yearning for the swam. Hais ... I really love you lots lots. I wish to let go too. But I can't. I can't. My friends can keep encouraging me to give up. But I have tried many times and I knew by heart that It was impossible. I wish for your love. Is there actually god. Why am I in this state now. hais. I really wish I could love you properly.


My friends kept encouragine me to give up you. But now, I cannot differenciate true friends and false friends. My eye is like covered by a blanket of unknown things. I cannot see clearly. I reached out to the friend that I thought I can depend most. But it disappear as soon as I touched him. And I finally realised everything is just an imaginations.


Call me if you need help.


PS- The whoever that is spamming on her blog. Please stop. Whoever you are. Please stop. I don't know why you are doing this. I just hope that if you happened to pass by my blog, saw this message, and stop whatever you are doing now. By hurting her, you are hurting me double the times. Stop! Please!

Labels: ,



let it go
11/10/2009 02:53:00 PM